JOKE4ADAY.COM

A Fish Story

The Florida Hoosier — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 03:09:00 GMT

A Fishy Story

It was the perfect day for a little fishing, but after a while I ran out of bait.

Then a few feet up the shore I saw a snake with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, Igrabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my baitbucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

After thinking about it for awhile, I had an idea: I grabbed mybottle of whiskey (hey, don't laugh: it's the best part of fishing!)and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

Sure enough, his eyes rolled back, he went limp, and I released himwithout incident. I carried on my fishing with the frog. Caught a bigbass, too!

A couple hours later I felt something brush my leg. I looked downand there was that same snake looking up at me. He had two frogs in hismouth.

Gary is a travel writer and photographer living in Sarasota, Florida. He maintains a website featuring some of his travel photos and markets a line of products featuring many of his photos.

Camping supplies

My Dad at The Mall

The Florida Hoosier — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 04:58:00 GMT

Dad at the Mall

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a
teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green,

red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look

and find dad staring at him every time. ;

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked,

'What's the matter old man, never done anything

wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would

not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one,

and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock.

I was just wondering if you were my son.

Gary is a travel writer and photographer living in Sarasota, Florida. He maintains a website featuring some of his travel photos and markets a line of products featuring many of his photos.

My Dog Died

The Florida Hoosier — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 16:28:00 GMT

A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too."

The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."

Gary is a travel writer and photographer living in Sarasota,Florida. He has a website featuring more photos and articles and also markets products featuring some of his travel photos.

Thank God, It's Friday

The Florida Hoosier — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 21:42:00 GMT

A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the
elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying,
"T-G-I-F" (letters only). He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters
only)." She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again. He
acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and
said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical
expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,
"T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

Gary is a travel writer and photographer living in Sarasota,Florida. He has a website featuring more photos and articles and also markets products featuring some of his travel photos.

Wrong Number

The Florida Hoosier — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 20:09:00 GMT

WRONG NUMBER

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.

"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."

Gary is a travel writer and photographer living in Sarasota,Florida. He has a website featuring more photos and articles and also markets products featuring some of his travel photos.

Florial Business and the Friars

The Florida Hoosier — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 20:22:00 GMT

The Friars of the Floral Business

Some Friars were behind on their belfry payments

, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy
flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the
competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went
back and begged the Friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his
mother to go and ask the Friars to get out of business. They ignored
her, too.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most
vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the
Friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close
shop.

Terrified, the Friars did so - thereby proving that . . .

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist Friars.

Gary is a travel writer and photographer living in Sarasota,Florida. He has a website featuring more photos and articles, and also markets products featuring some of his travel photos.

Sarah Palin's Hunting Trip

The Florida Hoosier — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 20:34:00 GMT

The November election is now just a memory.

The rest of the world cannot understand how, after bitter electioncampaigns, American politicians can kiss and make up. But that they do!

Governor Sarah Palin, who ran for Vice President on John McCain'sRepublican ticket, is doing her part to do just that. For example, shehas invited the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden, tovisit her great state of Alaska, now that she has more time afterresigning from her post.

To celebrate her new-found freedom from the toils of office, she hasset up a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and hired threeprominent experts in their field to assist them:

Dick Cheney will lead them on the hunt

Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins each evening, and

Bill Clinton will entertain their wives and daughters.

Travel the world from your arm chair

The Ant

The Florida Hoosier — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 15:44:00 GMT

It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day, that you realize how often they burst into flames.

Travel the world from your arm chair.

Treasures from the Islands

The Devil in Church

The Florida Hoosier — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 14:53:00 GMT

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation

. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

travel the world from your arm chair

Gifts from the Islands

Republican Dogs

The Florida Hoosier — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 18:06:00 GMT

A large Democrat meeting was held in a county seat in Indiana, which was attended by a small boy who had four young puppy dogs which he offered for sale.
Finally, one in the crowd ,approaching the boy, asked, " Are these Democrat pups my son?"
"yes, Sir." He replied.
"Well, Then," He Said," I'll take these two."
About a week later the Republicans held a meeting at the same place, and among the crowd was to be seen the same boy and his two remaining pups.
He tried for hours to obtain a purchaser , and finally was approached by a Republican and asked :" My lad , what kind of pups are these you have?"
"They're Republican pups, sir."
The Democrat who had purchased the first two happened to be in ear shot and broke out at the boy:
"See here, you young rascal, didn't you tell me that those pups I bought from you last week were Democrats?"
"Y-e-s, sir," said the young dog-merchant: "but these pups aren't , they've got their eyes open!"

Travel the world from your arm chair

As High as the Empire State Building

The Florida Hoosier — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 17:49:00 GMT

Higher than the Empire State Building

"Can you name an animal that has eyes and cannot see, legs and cannot walk, but can jump as high as the Empire State Building?" Asked the life of the party.
Everybody racked their brains during a period of deep silence and finally gave up.
"The answer", he said, "is a wooden horse, it has eyes and cannot see, and legs and cannot walk."
"Yes," someone said, "But how does it jump as high as the Empire State Building?"
"The Empire State Building," he explained," cannot jump."

Travel the world from your arm chair

Gifts from the islands

Display of Authority

The Florida Hoosier — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 14:22:00 GMT

Display of Authority

A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.

The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

The Water representative says, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified.

So the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs...."Your card! Show him Your card!"

Travel the world from your arm chair

House Cleaning

The Florida Hoosier — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 13:48:00 GMT

House Cleaning

An employee went in to see his boss.
"Boss," He said. "We're doing some heavy house-cleaning tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with clearing stuff out of the attic, the shed and the garage, and with scrubbing down all the kitchen cabinets."
I'm sorry, said the boss," but we're short handed at the moment. there's no way I can give you the day off."
"Thanks boss, I knew I could rely on you."

Travel the world from your arm chair

Treasures from the Islands

Cannibal Wedding

The Florida Hoosier — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 15:01:00 GMT

What do cannibals do at a wedding?
They toast the bride and groom.

Travel the world from your arm chair

Novelty gifts from the Islands

The Washingtonian

The Florida Hoosier — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 14:37:00 GMT

Three men, a Californian, a Nebraskan, and a Washingtonian were walking along the beach when they came across a lantern. While they were examining it, a genie popped out and declared, "I ll give each one of you one wish."
The Nebraskan said,"I am a farmer, my father was a farmer, and my son will be a farmer, so I want the land in Nebraska to be fertile forever."
There was a puff of smoke and the genie said the wish had been granted.
Next it was the Californians turn.
He told the genie, "I want a wall around California so that no foreigners can come into our precious state."
There was a puff of smoke and the genie said the wish had been granted.
Finally it was the Washingtonians turn, he said to the genie,"Tell me more about this wall around California."
"Well," said the genie," It's 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the state, nothing can get in or out."
"Interesting, "mused the Washingtonian, "Fill it with water."

Travel the world from your arm chair

The Taxi Driver

The Florida Hoosier — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 14:21:00 GMT

The Taxi Driver

When the passenger tapped him on the shoulder to ask a question,the taxi driver screamed,lost control of the vehicle and nearly ran into a crowd of pedestrians.
"Don't ever do that again!" He yelled.
"I'm sorry,"said the passenger,"It was only a tap on the shoulder."
"Maybe, but this is my first day as a cab driver, I've been driving hearses for the last twenty years."

Travel the world from your arm chair

Novelty Treasures from the islands

Watching Football

The Florida Hoosier — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 18:17:00 GMT

After spending all day watching football on TV, a man falls asleep and spent the night sleeping on the couch.
His wife woke him in the morning,
"It's Twenty to Seven," She states.
He responds,"In whose favor?"

Travel the world from your arm chair

Treasures from the Islands

Sherlock Holmes

The Florida Hoosier — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 19:51:00 GMT

Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went camping.

After a Good meal and an excellent bottle of wine, they lay down and went to sleep. A couple of hours later, Holmes woke up and nudged his faithful friend,"Watson,Watson, "he said, Look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions of star, "replied Watson.
"And what does that tell you?" inquired the master detective.
Watson thought for a moment, "Well, Holmes, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions and millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately two twenty-five.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I believe we will have a glorious day tomorrow, What does it tell you, Holmes?"
"Watson, you imbecile, Some one has stolen our tent."

Travel the world from your arm chair

Treasures From the Islands

Fire Safety

The Florida Hoosier — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 20:22:00 GMT

Fire Safety!

When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher.

Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "then depress the trigger to release the foam."

Later a blonde employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.

The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?"

In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze!

Travel the world from your arm chair

Treasures from the Islands

Riding in a Yugo

The Florida Hoosier — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 21:33:00 GMT

Riding in a Yugo

A small boy was walking alongside the road when a car pulled up along side. The driver leaned out and said," If you get in my car, I'll give you a bag of sweets."
The boy ignored him.
"OK," said the driver,"If you get in my car ,I'll give you two bags of sweets."
Still the boy ignored him.
"Listen," persisted the driver, "If you get in my car, I'll give you all the sweets you want and ten dollars."
The boy turned to the driver and said, " Look dad, for the last time, I'm not getting in that Yugo."

Travel the world from your arm chair

Treasures from the Islands