JOKE4ADAY.COM

The Parrot

The Florida Hoosier — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 14:09:00 GMT

The Parrot

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor. I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT !".
But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you", and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird, and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.For the first few seconds , there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says: "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you.I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

Something Fishy

The Florida Hoosier — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 23:04:00 GMT

Something Fishy

A woman walks into a fish shop . She is pretending that she is mute and says, "MM MM MM NN MNN."

The clerk says, "What?"

The woman again mumbles, "MM MM MM NN MNN."

The clerk replies, "I dont understand you, i'll have to get my manager."

The girl goes and gets her manager. The manager comes out and asks, "May i help you?"

The woman lifts up her shirt and the manager says, "HOLY MACKEREL."

The woman replies, "Yes, I would like two pounds please."

Computer Sex

The Florida Hoosier — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 03:28:00 GMT

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns,unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

The teacher wasn't certain which it was,and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories.

The Legionaires Mirage

The Florida Hoosier — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 14:36:00 GMT

The Legionnaires Mirage

Warning: terrible pun alert.

- - -

Three Legionnaires are walking through the desert under a baking sun.They're fully equipped with enough water for days and food aplenty --but they were fascinated that they still saw mirages.

They see visions of swimming pools attended by dusky maidens.They see stalls full of ice creams and sorbets of every conceivable flavor. They see cool ponds inviting them to take a swim. But the Legionnaires do not crack. Instead they keep marching solidly on.

Suddenly one of them freezes. "Psssst," he says. His companions halt and strain their eyes to where the first Legionnaire is pointing.

"There!" he says, with a thick accent. "Is zat a bacon tree on ze horizon?"

And sure enough, there it is, proud and defiant in the middle of the desert: an actual bacon tree! Slowly they creep forward towards the far off mystery object . Centimeter by centimeter they carefully crawl until they are within a stone's throw of the bacon tree. Ever nearer they creep until suddenly a shot rings out, dropping one of the Legionnaires in his tracks. The other Legionnaires hit the ground as bullets thud into the sand around them.

The other two return fire and give first aid to their wounded companion.

Even as they bandage him and pour water over his face they can hear his
faint voice:

"Zat vas no bacon tree," the wounded man gasps out as his final words. "Zat iz a ham bush."

The Doctor and the Motorcycle Mechanic

The Florida Hoosier — Sun, 18 Jul 2010 05:06:00 GMT

The Doctor and the Motorcycle Mechanic

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop .

The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage,"Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc,look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks , when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running."

The Talking Parrots

The Florida Hoosier — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 17:58:00 GMT

Talking Parrots

A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquires.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun ?'"

"That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responds.

The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house.His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

West Texas Lawman

The Florida Hoosier — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 03:02:00 GMT

West Texas Lawman

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big --6'2" -- and strong as a longhorn and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally became of age he applied to the only place he had dreamed of working : the West Texas Sheriff's Department.

After a big mess of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's final interview.

"You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot," the Chief Deputy says. "So far your qualifications all look good . But we have what you call an 'attitude suitability test' that you must take before you can be accepted."

"Yes, sir," the boy replied.

"We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."

"No, sir!" he answer.

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot:
six illegal aliens,
six lawyers,
six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists,
and a rabbit."

"A rabbit?" the kid replies. "Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude, son," says the Chief Deputy, putting the pistol back in his drawer. "When can you start?"

24 Hours to Live

The Florida Hoosier — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 03:01:00 GMT

24 Hours to Live

Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agrees and again they make love.

Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning. You don't."

What's Their Handicap?

The Florida Hoosier — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 19:48:00 GMT

What's Their Handicap?

A doctor, a priest and an engineer were trying to enjoy a morning of golf , but they were stuck behind an extremely slow group; those men missed every putt, had a hard time lining up shots, and occasionally even teed off in the wrong direction.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys?"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The priest said, "Hey, here comes the pro. Let's have a word with him."

They signal him over. "Hi, George," the priest says. "What's with that group ahead of us? They're delaying our game."

The pro replied, "It's a sad, sad, story. That's a group of blind firefighters; they lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free."

The group fell silent in shame.

The priest said, "That's awful! I will say a special prayer for them tonight and take up a collection with my congregation."

The doctor added, "I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy to see if there's anything he can do for them."

And the engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Pirate's Misfortunes

The Florida Hoosier — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 03:22:00 GMT

Pirate's Misfortunes

A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg,a hook in place of one of his hands, and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape.He asked the pirate, "How did you lose your leg?"

The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica !" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about you hand. Did you lose it at the same time?"

"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys ." Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye?"

The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked: "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?"

The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook!"

Obama, McCain and Hillary All Die And Go To Heaven

The Florida Hoosier — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 14:18:00 GMT

Obama, McCain and Hillary All Die And Go To Heaven

John McCain, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama all die and go to heaven.God looks down from his throne and asks McCain , "Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?"

McCain takes a breath and then replies, "Well, I think so because I was agreat leader and tried to follow the words in your great book ." God looks down and then says, "You can sit to my left side."

So, McCain takes his seat and then God asks the same question to Hillary, "Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?" Hillary thinks for a second and then replies, "I think so because I have been fighting for the rights of so many people for so long." God again looks down and this time says, "You can sit to my right side."

Finally God turns to Barack Obama and asks, "Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?"

Obama smiled and replied, "I think you're in my seat

A Redneck on the Computer

The Florida Hoosier — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 14:57:00 GMT

How to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer:

10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged. AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is...

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

The World's Shortest Books

The Florida Hoosier — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 01:01:00 GMT

The World's Shortest Books

25. "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by O.J. Simpson
24. "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres
23. "The Book of Virtues " by Bill Clinton
22. The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
21. Human Rights Advances in China
20. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money " by Dennis Rodman
19. Al Gore: The Wild Years
18. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
17. America's Most Popular Lawyers
16. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
15. Detroit - A Travel Guide
14. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
12. Easy UNIX
11. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
10. Everything Men Know About Women

9. Everything Women Know About Men
8. French Hospitality
7. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
6. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
4. Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
3. Staple Your Way to Success
2. The Amish Phone Directory
1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion

Pray for Leroy

The Florida Hoosier — Sat, 19 Jun 2010 17:17:00 GMT

Pray for Leroy

It was Sunday morning, and the preacher was very satisfied with the good turnout. He was especially pleased to see Leroy sitting in the front row. Leroy hadn't been to services in several years.

After his usual lengthy sermon, the preacher made his usual offer: "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

And Leroy leapt up to be first in line!

"Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" the preacher asked.

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher certainly had experience with that! He put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

"I don't know, preacher," Leroy answered. "My public defender sez it ain't 'til next week."

A Big Ball of Fire

The Florida Hoosier — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 21:14:00 GMT

A Big Ball of Fire

Janet Reid was driving her daughter westward after the Malibu fires when the smoke in the sky made everything look surreal.

"Ooh, Wendy, look at the sun," she told her daughter. "It looks like a big ball of fire."

The 3-year-old preschooler replied: "It is a big ball of fire."

-- from Los Angeles Times , Jan 13, 1997

The Same Drunk at the Same Bar

The Florida Hoosier — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 15:50:00 GMT

The Same Drunk at the Same Bar

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool, and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

Drinking Beer: The Buffalo Theory

The Florida Hoosier — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 19:36:00 GMT

The "Buffalo Theory" of Drinking Beer..

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know , kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest braincells first.

In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker braincells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!

Southern Comments

The Florida Hoosier — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 13:31:00 GMT

Southern Comments

Exclamations:
"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

Threats:

"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle."

"This'll jar your preserves."

"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"

Good Things/Compliments:

"Cute as a sack full of puppies."

"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."

"Gooder than grits."

The Weather:

"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."

Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

Descriptions:

A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."

When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."

If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."

"He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."

A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

Insults:

"She's uglier than homemade soap."

"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"

"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."

"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"

Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart."

Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."

"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"

The Speeding Ticket

The Florida Hoosier — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 02:24:00 GMT

The Speeding Ticket

A man in his 40s bought a new BMW and was out driving on the interstate at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and sped up even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him, "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, it is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Gary is a writer and photographer living in Sarasota, Florida. He maintains a website featuring some of his travel photos and markets a line of products featuring many of his photos.

The Dead dog

The Florida Hoosier — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 14:09:00 GMT

The Dog

A man rushed into the veterinarian's office carrying his dog, thoroughly distraught. The vet examined the dog's still, limp body and sadly informed the man that the dog was dead.

Saddened at the loss of his best friend, the man asked the doctor if he could please try one last time to revive the dog.

The doctor stepped into his other room and returned with a cat in a wire cage. He set the cage on the examining table and opened the sliding door.

The cat got up, stretched, stepped out of the cage and slowly walked around the dog from head to tail sniffing the body. When it was finished, it looked up at the veterinarian with a "meow", walked back into the cage and went back to sleep.

The vet looked at the man and said in his best bedside manner, "I'm sorry, but there is nothing I can do."

Resigned, the man signed and said, "Thanks for trying. How much do I owe you?"

"Three-hundred fifty dollars," the doctor replied.

"Thr . . . thr . . .three-hundred fif-fif-fifty bucks to tell me my dog is dead!" the man stammered.

"Well, it was only $50 for the office visit. The other $300 is for the CAT scan."

Gary is a writer and photographer living in Sarasota, Florida. He maintains a website featuring some of his travel photos and markets a line of products featuring many of his photos.