JOKE4ADAY.COM

If Life Was Like A Computer

2012-05-26T09:11:00Z

If Only Life Could Be Like a Computer

If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and
start all over!
*
To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!

*
If you needed a break from life, click on suspend.
*
Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
*
To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
*
To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
*
To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
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If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
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When you loose your car keys, click on find.
*
"Help" with the chores is just a click away.
*
Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary.
You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.

And, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a Pizza would be on
it's way to YOU.

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Today I will be Online

2012-05-24T09:01:00Z

I Don't Wanna

I don't wanna do the dishes
I don't wanna do the wash
I sprinkled clothes a week ago
And now my iron is lost!!

I don't wanna rattle pots
I don't wanna rattle pans
I see the mail light flashin'
I wanna chat with friends!!

Oh the tables need some dustin'
and the floor could sure be mopped
But I know if I get started
there'll be no place to stop

The closets are so full
things are falling off the shelves
I wish for cleaning fairies
and magic little elves.

They could sprinkle fairy dust
and twitch their little nose
The windows would be sparkling
I would have no dirty clothes

Oh I know that I'm just dreamin'
My head is in the sky
I must cook that meat that's greying
and bake that apple pie

The Hubby needs a bath
Doggy needs attention
Oh.. the other way around I mean
my brain is in suspension

I am runnin' round in circles
I am gettin' nothin' done,
I keep thinking of my web
I am missing all the fun!!!

Well I know I'm not addicted
though I hear that all the time
But I guess this stuff can wait on me
Cause Today I'll Be On Line!!!

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Husband 1.0

2012-05-22T10:20:00Z

Husband 1.0

Dear Tech support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
noticed that the new program began making unexpected
changes to the accounting software, severely limiting
access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications
that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention
of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable
programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and
OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such
as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and
ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs,
and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances
will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but
this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can
you help please?!?!

Jane

Dear Jane:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but
is mostly due to a primary misconception.

Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0
with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT
package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and
was designed by its creator to run as few applications as
possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return
to Boyfriend 5.0 , because Husband 1.0 is not designed
to do this.

Hidden operating files within your system would cause
Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program
files from the system, once installed.

Any new program files can only be installed once per year,
as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages
are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation
to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or
to get new applications to work, some women have tried to
install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women
end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.

Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support".
You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and
comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3.

I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks
of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0
installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire
section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This
is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed
by the parent company as an integral part of the operating
system.

Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults
and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this
great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME"
Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering
the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications
Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can
create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU
may have to give a C:\>I APOLOGIZE command before the system
will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause
Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet,
Beer 6.0.

Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to
create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are
very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following
this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the
blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can
only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran.
Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance.
I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience
10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help
keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly.

After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar
and you will find many valuable embedded features such as
FixesBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances,
install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application,
and will cause selective shut down of the operating system.
Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until
MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled. I hope these notes have helped.

Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at
Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We
trust you will learn to fully enjoy this
product!"

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A High Tech Prayer

2012-05-19T09:11:00Z

A Hi-Tech Prayer

As I boot up my PC,
my modem dialing next to me,

I ask the Lord, give me a sign....
Will I ever get on-line?????

If you'd kindly let me through,
I'll byte no more than I can chew.

I'll surf the waves amid the Net,
with my mouse, my loyal pet.

And through each window I will see
the websites that are offered me.

Resisting any chat room's lure,
I'll download only what is pure.

If system errors don't prevail,
I vow to read all my e-mail.

If you save me from a crash,
I'll dump my games into the trash.

Just please don't take my CD-ROM!
Thank you Lord, God Bless.com.

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Computers: The Cup Holder

2012-05-17T09:11:00Z

The Cup Holder

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within
my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped.It's because
I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade
show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any
trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything
about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because
he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller
had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a
cup holder and snapped it off the drive.

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God, Moses, and the Computer

2012-05-15T09:10:00Z

God, Moses and the Computer

"Excuse me, sir."

"Is that you again, Moses?"

"I'm afraid it is, sir."

"What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?"

"How did you guess?"

"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"

"Oh, yeah. I forgot."

"Tell me what you want, Moses."

"But you already know. Remember?"

"Moses!"

"Sorry, sir."

"Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out!"

"Well, I have a question, sir. You know those ten things you sent me."

"You mean the commandments, Moses?"

"That's it. I was wondering if they were important."

"What do you mean 'were important', Moses? Of course, they are
important. Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you."

"Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of
course you would see right through that."

"What do you mean 'you lost them'! Are you trying to tell me you didn't
save them, Moses?"

"No, sir. I forgot."

"Well, My Son always saves, Moses."

"Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot.
I did send them to some people before I lost them though."

"And did you hear back from any of them?"

"You already know I did."

"What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'.
Can he change the words a little bit?"

"Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning."

"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh
and recommended calling them the Ten Suggestions or letting people
pick one or two to try for a while?"

"Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that."

"I think that means, 'no'. Well, what about the guy who said I was
scamming him?"

"I think that is spamming, Moses."

"Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff
and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."

"And what he did say?"

"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he
might have sent me one of those plagues and that's the reason I lost
those ten things, do you?"

"They're called viruses, Moses."

"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go
back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out
and reading them each day, but I never lost them."

"We'll do it the new way, Moses."

"I was afraid you would say that, sir."

"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"

"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the
computer."

"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"

"No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all,
who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like
your hours. By the way, sir, did Noah have two of these mice
on the ark?"

"No, Moses."

"One other thing. Why didn't you name them frogs instead of mice,
because didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"

"I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog
if you want to."

"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some woman
told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn't it a woman who named
one of the computers Apple?"

"Say goodnight, Moses."

"Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse and it seems to be
working. Yes, a couple of the ten things have come back."

"Which ones are they, Moses?"

"Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and
'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'"

"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone
tablets. How does 'Same Day Air' sound?"

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Computer Joke

2012-05-12T09:54:00Z

Flying Around

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when
an electrical malfunction disabled all of the
aircraft's electronic navigation and communications
equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot
could not determine the helicopter's position and
course to fly to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it,
circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in
the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said
"WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to
the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a
building window. Their sign read:

"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map,
determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport,
and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked
the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign
helped determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the
MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically
correct, but completely useless answer."

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Computer Viruses

2012-05-08T09:38:00Z

Computer Viruses

Kenneth Starr Virus:
Competely examines every aspect of your computer,
then compiles a complex report that discredits every
aspect of your computer.

Ronald Reagan Virus:
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Mike Tyson Virus:
Quits after two bytes.
Spits everything out.

Oprah Winfrey Virus:
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB,
then slowly expands to 200 MB.

Titanic Virus:
Your whole computer goes down.

Disney Virus:
Everything in your computer goes Goofy.

Prozac Virus:
Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus:
Terminates zome viles, leaves, but it vill be baaack.

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Computer Poem

2012-05-05T09:31:00Z

Computer Poem

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

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Senile Virus

2012-05-03T08:24:00Z

C-Nile Virus

It seems that there is a virus out
there called the C-nile Virus that even the most advanced programs from
Norton cannot take care of, so be warned, it appears to affect those of us
who were born before 1956!

Symptoms of C-nile Virus:

1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice.

2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.

3. Causes you to send to wrong person.

4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you.

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished it.

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Buy a Mac

2012-05-01T09:17:00Z

Buy a Mac

I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac. I was against it and an argument started. I said there were too few people supporting the Mac.

He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?"

And I said "See, even people who write viruses don't support Macs."

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Bill Gates Vs. General Motors

2012-04-28T09:03:00Z

Bill Gates vs General Motors

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: " If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all
be driving cars with the following characteristics:

For no reason whatsoever, the car would crash twice a day.
*
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy
a new car.
*
Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and
you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
*
Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to start, in which case you would have
to reinstall the engine.
*
Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought
"Car95" or CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
*
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable,
five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but you would only run
on five percent of the roads.
*
The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would be
replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
*
New seats would force everyone to have to have the same size butt.
*
The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before deploying.
*
Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
*
GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of
Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither
need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would
immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more.
Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice
Department.
*
Every time GM introduced a new model, car drivers would have to
learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would
operate in the same manner as the old car.
*
You would press the "Start" button to shut off the engine.

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Kids and Religion

2012-04-26T09:44:00Z

Kids and Religion

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

"Hello," said the little boy.

"Hi," replied the little girl.

"Where are you going?" asked the little boy.

"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," answered the little girl.

"Me too," replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way home from church."

"Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.

"I go to the Baptist church back down the road," replied the little girl. "What about you?"

"I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill," replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.

"My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the little boy.

"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."

"That's a good idea," replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet.

They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked, "You know, I never did realize before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Catholic."

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The Italian Confession

2012-04-24T09:37:00Z

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to
the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the
Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no
need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual
favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you
placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if
you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more
question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

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The Barber Shop

2012-04-21T09:36:00Z

The Barbershop

(Passing this along exactly as I got it....)

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asks the barber about his bill. "I'm sorry, I can't accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."

The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there's a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

Later that day a cop comes in for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber, and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I can't accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."

The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.

Later that day a Democrat comes for a haircut and when he asks the barber what he owes, the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I can't accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."

The Democrat is very happy and leaves. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there are a dozen Democrats waiting at his door.

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The Talking Dog

2012-04-19T09:34:00Z

The Talking Dog

A guy is out looking for garage sales and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes around the house and into the backyard and sees a nice-looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black lab just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the lab replies.

"So, what's your story?

The lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out. I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I really wanted to settle down."

"Wow!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. I had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars."

"This dog is amazing!" he says. "Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar!" the owner says. "I heard what he told you. He didn't do any of that stuff."

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Redneck Church

2012-04-17T09:33:00Z

You Know You're in a Redneck Church When...

...The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

...People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5,000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

...The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys and two women stand up.

...Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

...A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

...The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

...In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven different last names in the church directory.

...People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

...The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.

...The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

...The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

...Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

...The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

...The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

..."Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dawgs, too.

...The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, heah"?

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She'll be 18

2012-04-14T08:35:00Z

A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway..
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?'

The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?'

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says:

'And her, what is she doing?'

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone,

in a car, at night in a lover's lane... And nothing obscene is happening!

The trooper asks:

'What's your age, young man?'

The young man says:

'I'm 22, sir.'

The trooper asks:

'And her.... what's her age?'

The young man looks at his watch and replies:

'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes....

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The Walking Economy

2012-04-12T09:30:00Z

The Walking Economy

This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend, "I'm
a walking economy."

His friend replies, "How so?"

"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of
inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep
depression."

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Top 10 Things to Say if You Fall Asleep at Work

2012-04-10T09:25:00Z

Top 10 Things to Say if You Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved
about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You
probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission
statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to
relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory
toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost
figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught
sleeping at work...

1. ".....in Jesus' name. Amen."